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I Demand Access to Paul Rudd’s Fountain of Youth

A full investigation into why that motherf***er never ages

Painting of Paul Rudd smirking while he sits in a ficitonal fountain of youth
Tim O'Brien

Paul Rudd is ageless.

I don’t mean that in the polite but mostly insincere way that most people remark on someone’s youthful appearance. “Oh, you haven’t aged a day.” I mean he literally looks no different now than he did when he played Alicia Silverstone’s stepbrother (and, uh, love interest) in Clueless, back in 1995.

Paul is now 53, so that role was fully half-a-Rudd ago. And he looks exactly the same. Exactly … the … friggin’ … same. In fact, he’s so uncannily and compellingly vigorous that People magazine named him "Sexiest Man Alive" back in 2021. That means of the estimated 3.9 billion men on the planet right now, nobody is sexier. Nobody.

It brings up many questions for those of us in the same cohort.

First, how the hell did we get to be the same age our grandmothers were at our bar mitzvahs?

Second, when will this most recent sciatica flare-up subside?

Third, how does Paul Rudd manage to remain so damn youthful when our own visage resembles postmortem Jessica Tandy?

There have been many rumors that Rudd maintains his radiance by sucking the lifeblood, or simply the blood, out of babies. But this is clearly conjecture. Babies are tiny and don’t really have that much blood or lifeblood, and finding enough loose and unclaimed ones to maintain Ruddish vigor would require Faginesque levels of procuring.

The logistics alone, especially during the pandemic when people are keeping a closer tether on their babies, seem insurmountable.

More likely is the idea that Paul Rudd, with the superheroic/time-travel skills he has honed through his involvement with the Marvel Cinematic Universe, has, unlike genocidal maniac Ponce de León, actually discovered the Fountain of Youth.

It is also possible that Rudd has begun injecting the Bacillus F bacteria. One of the many things discovered popping out of what was, before climate change, known as the Permafrost, this 3.5 million-year-old Siberian microbe has had miraculous effects on the longevity and fertility of lab animals. It is now being studied carefully as a key to diminishing the effects of aging. (It is also being studied not-so-carefully, as a Russian scientist and German actress have both been injecting themselves with it willy-nilly.)

Also in the running are recent studies involving the gut flora of people who live to old age. Studies have shown that those who live longer have more adaptable bacteria in their digestive tracts. This would explain Rudd’s indefatigable sh*t-eating grin.

Some consideration must be given to the idea that Paul Rudd is, like many celebrities, simply a replicant — one of those Blade Runner humanoids invented by Philip K. Dick. Has anyone actually given him a Voight-Kampff test? Finally, there is the distinct possibility that he has a magical portrait by Basil Hallward in his attic, which wizens — Dorian Gray-like — while he remains cherubic.

However, none of these theories hold much truck with Stuart Lewis, M.D., a noted geriatric specialist and Dartmouth associate professor of medicine.

“If you want to maintain your appearance as you age, the prescription is very simple,” he says. “Eat healthy, exercise regularly, and avoid sun exposure and smoking.”

What about drinking a gallon of water, or the relevant amount of baby blood/lifeblood?

“That’s nonsense,” Lewis says, laughing. “When you’re thirsty, drink. If you’re out in the sun, or exercising, drink more.”

We cannot guarantee this will make your youthful complexion as meme-worthy as Mr. Rudd, but it couldn’t hurt.