If you’re a fan of Succession — the hit HBO series about a billionaire family’s infighting over their media mogul father’s legacy — you already know it returns on March 26 for its fourth and final season.
The show is addictive, not just because it’s an escapist fantasy. Who among us hasn’t wondered how we’d fare in that dysfunctional family dynamic? Or which of the Succession scion we most resemble? Take this quiz and find out if you’re a Roman, Kendall, Connor or Shiv. Give yourself the number of points listed next to the answers that ring most true for you, and find your personality match at the end.
1. A hug from your father would be…
Stiff but rewarding. (1)
About damn time. (2)
Oddly arousing? (3)
Like being wrapped in a cloud, while being licked by puppies and kittens. (4)
2. When thinking about the future, I like to…
Plan 18 steps ahead. (1)
Trust my gut. (2)
Only consider the now. (3)
Revisit the past. (4)
3. Favorite HBO show
The Sopranos (1)
Game of Thrones (2)
Real Sex (3)
Band of Brothers (4)
4. The thing that screwed up my last relationship was...
Drugs and booze (1)
Power dynamics (3)
5. The majority of your career achievements...
You earned working your butt off and being awesome. (1)
Came to you naturally. (2)
You achieved through political savvy and determination. (3)
Are rewards for patience and loyalty. (4)
6. You consider your father to be…
7. TV dad you wish was your dad
Marty Byrde (Ozark) (1)
John Dutton (Yellowstone) (2)
Don Draper (Mad Men) (3)
Charles Ingalls (Little House on the Prairie) (4)
8. What is your go-to news source?
Naked News Network (3)
The History Channel (4)
9. Which of the following nicknames cuts you closest to the bone?
Bootleg Ross With Daddy Issues (1)
Sugar Plum Failure (2)
Slime Puppy (3)
First F**king Pancake (4)
10. Favorite Robin Williams role?
Death to Smoochy (1)
The Birdcage (2)
Mork & Mindy (3)
Dead Poets Society (4)
11. Favorite Marvel character
Captain Marvel (2)
Doctor Strange (3)
The Incredible Hulk — the Bill Bixby version (4)
12. Favorite football player
Ray Lewis (1)
Tom Brady (2)
Roger Staubach (4)
13. Favorite Baldwin
14. Favorite podcast
The Joe Rogan Experience (1)
Rachel Maddow Presents: Ultra (2)
Who the hell listens to podcasts? (3)
NPR’s Fresh Air (4)
15. When I see trouble in the world, I wish I could…
Run it myself. (1)
Effect change through legitimate discourse. (2)
Start another Fyre Festival. (3)
Get everyone to listen to me. (4)
16. Your favorite style of music is…
What you claim is underground rap, but really it’s Beastie Boys, Creed and Coldplay (1)
Lana Del Rey, Billie Eilish (2)
Seger, Springsteen, Mellencamp (4)
17. Best Batman
Ben Affleck (1)
George Clooney (2)
Michael Keaton (3)
Adam West (4)
18. Favorite Golden Girl
(1-18 points) You are a Kendall, always trying to prove yourself and never quite succeeding. As much as you try to project confidence and leadership, your impatience and various addictions always trip you up. On the bright side, you have the perseverance and determination of a cockroach.
(19-36) You are a Siobhan (or Shiv, or Pinky!) You forever stride the line between full commitment and fear of rejection. You think class war is jejune but love enjoying the splendor of its spoils. Your true upside is that you have a killer wardrobe.
(37-54) You are a Roman (Romulus, if you’re nasty.) You truly enjoy being a vulgar sycophant, mostly because that’s all you’ve ever known. Your confidence knows no bounds, at least until you are challenged, wherein you fold like a pair of twos at the big boy table. And killing hoboes still isn’t a hobby.
(55-72) You are a Connor. Your heart is definitely in the right place, but your GPS is always a little glitchy. You yearn to mentor someone, anyone. You’re eager to guide others up the ladder of success, even though you’ve been on an express elevator since birth.
If you decided not to answer any of these questions and just wanted to please the editors by reading till the end, you are a Tom.
If you think this whole quiz was a waste of time, you are a Gerri.
And if you’re still looking up “jejune” from earlier, you are a Cousin Greg.