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Live Every Day Like You’re Going to Have Sex Tonight

How to build more intimacy into every waking moment

partially dressed couple in window
Getty Images

There are two possible reasons why you might be having less sex than you did in the past:

  • You’re married
  • You’re not married

If you’re coupled up, chances are you’ve seen more of your partner over the past 18 months than you did over the previous 18 years. And yes, familiarity does indeed breed contempt, at least when it comes to the bedroom. If you’re single, the pandemic may have cramped your style even as it dried up your prospects. Here’s how to get things percolating again:

Be sex positive

Libido requires the right headspace, so start living each day like you’re going to have sex tonight. Not “I might have sex this weekend, or maybe later this month if I play my cards right.” Put it on the calendar in pen, not pencil. It’s happening TONIGHT. What does that mean? How does that change your behavior? You’ll start eating better, dressing better, paying closer attention to your hygiene.

Be the person who knows he’s getting laid, not the person who assumes tonight will be more takeout and Ted Lasso repeats so why even bother?

Rebuild the erotic thread

Sex is more than just the act itself. It’s about expressing desire and feeling desired. It’s not talking about kids and bills and whatever’s on the to-do list, it’s about letting your sexual selves get in a little face-to-face time outside the bedroom.

It can be a squeeze, a grope, a moment of flirtation. But it’s also letting a little raunch into the room without the pressure to do more. Decouple the act of sex itself from being sexual and percolate some eroticism.

Find the shiny

As a counselor, I’ve seen way too many partners cheat in order to recapture a feeling of excitement — what one of my patients calls “the pursuit of new and shiny.”

Maybe your sex life can’t be new, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be shiny. The key is generating psychological arousal when you have sex, and not just going through a series of predictable physical behaviors that get you from point A to point B.

Let’s generate some mind-based arousal with each other. Share a fantasy, talk about a sexy memory, read some literary erotica aloud together, or even watch porn together — whatever’s going to give you and your partner an arousal boost.

Talk about sex (in a way that’s sexy)

If you can forensically review a credit card bill together, you can get graphic about sex. And don’t make it a downer. Anyone can grumble and complain about what’s missing. Instead, think about the solution: maybe it’s carving out a specific time to try something new.

What you say can actually generate arousal and get things moving in a sexual direction. Don’t just say it like you mean it, inject those words with some sexual heat.