I've been married to my wife for 21 years, and out of the blue, she decides she’s bisexual. She says I shouldn’t be jealous because I’m “still the only penis” for her. Am I wrong to be freaked out?
—Andy, Tucson, Arizona
“The only penis for me” has a certain logic to it at first glance, but it doesn’t hold up under scrutiny (much like an actual penis). I can see where she’s going with that argument — that because this is a side of herself she hasn’t gotten to explore, it should be allowable under the rules of your marriage — but I would argue that every attraction represents an unexplored aspect of the self, and the particulars of junk format shouldn’t worry much.
You could certainly have a conversation about opening the relationship within whatever boundaries work for your marriage, with the following caveats: a) that’s no guarantee that you won’t experience jealousy, or that she won’t fall in love with another woman, etc., and b) ethical nonmonogamy involves a lot of talking, and because I am lazy and only situationally ethical, I often think it’s easier to just cheat old-school style. But if betraying you and her marriage vows isn’t her bag, then I think it’s a conversation worth having.
Or she can just do what I do and squish those side-piece thoughts way down deep into a corner of her soul where they can become jokes or art or maybe a tumor!
What's the best sex position if you have a big belly?
—Dean, Toronto, Ontario
On top of me, big boy. Climb aboard!
Sorry, sorry, all that cheating talk from the last letter has the ol’ horndog barking. I apologize. But I can answer this for real! If your partner is a woman, your best bet is cowgirl (reverse or regular), as you can harness the power of gravity to pull that delicious tum-tum down and out of the way while your partner gets on top and does all the work. Regardless of gender, try having the catcher lie down on the edge of the bed while the pitcher stands. If you’re a missionary man, you might have your partner try hooking their legs up over your shoulders (assuming they have the flexibility for such a move).
You could also consider a sex pillow. Many brands offer a wedge option that you can deploy to make sexy time easier.
The last of our kids is leaving home, and it’ll just be me and my wife. I don’t think we can snap back to being who we were before becoming parents. It’s not like we’ll start having sex all day and being wild. What’s a second act supposed to look like?
—Chris, Las Cruces, New Mexico
This is such an exciting opportunity to find out who you are now! I know it sounds like I’m pitching you a time-share, but hear me out: There’s no need to try to go back to the past (an exercise in futility, anyway) or even use it as a road map. There’s no “supposed to” here. You and your partner can embark on a new chapter where you get to know each other again, in a new way.
You can travel, spend real time together, enjoy the gaps in the family Google calendar. If your kids represented an important pillar in your lives in the sense that they united you in a common cause, you could explore other mutual interests and projects to embark on together. Or, you know, you could be wild and screw all day, at least until one of you blows a hip joint.
My wife has terrible taste in music. Like, Coldplay awful. Should I tell her that I want to share everything with her, just not her awful taste in music?
—Ben, Santa Clara, California
You pretended to like Coldplay for a woman? I don’t know if that’s sweet or insane (and possibly a misrepresentation of identity). But as your legally wedded partner, she’s entitled to an equitable portion of the household airtime. However, you are also entitled to your portion of said airtime, so I propose the oldest trick in the book: taking turns. Switch off Fridays or whenever you do your music blasting. You could also institute a system of limited vetoes, whereby you can veto Coldplay and she can veto your bootleg of Can playing the six-hour version of “Yoo Doo Right” or whatever.
You don’t have to shame her — I know I’ve gotten prickly when my husband rolls his eyes at some of my selections — just cheerfully stick to the system. You won’t actually die of exposure to “Viva La Vida,” no matter how much it feels like you will.
