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What Women Really Say About Their Husbands During Girls' Night Out

A field report from the trenches

women share a whisper
Tetra Images

You’re not an irrational guy. When your partner heads out for a few drinks with her girlfriends, you’re not sitting at home, consumed with paranoia, wondering if she’s saying less-than-flattering things about you. But you’re only human and probably a little curious. What do women talk about when the boys aren’t around? And are we talking about you?

I recently got together with my female friends and the drinks flowed, as did the juicy convo. What really happens after the third chardonnay? Welcome to a night out with four of my Gen-X girlfriends.

The First Drink:

When women get together, we not only discuss what we love about the men in our lives but also the little things that drive us crazy. 

Susan, 54, brings up her husband’s choice of hat wardrobe. “Everywhere we go, he wears the backward baseball cap,” she says. “It’s so 1994. I know Justin Bieber is resurrecting the look again, but the Biebs is 28 and my husband is 54.”

Katie, 50, agrees. “The ’90s grunge look is actually back in,” she tells us. “But the backward baseball hat means he’s clinging on to his youth psychologically. Or he’s balding.”

Liz, 54, weighs in. “My husband still thinks the baseball hat makes him look cool, but I’m too nice to tell him it looks like the poster boy for midlife crisis.” 

The Second Drink:

Our second round of drinks arrives, and the chardonnay progresses to tequila.

“Does anyone else’s husband have a problem with hygiene?” asks Liz. “My guy goes out to cut the grass and comes back sweating — after not bathing for two days — and he thinks I want to jump in the sack with him.” 

“The older they get, the less they bathe,” Katie adds. “My husband uses these scrotum wipes and he thinks that counts as a shower.”

“Oh no!” Liz shrieks.

“Oh yes!” Katie responds. “I told him that’s like wiping yourself down with a Clorox wipe and thinking that counts as a shower, but he won’t listen.”

The table explodes in a chorus of “Ewww”s.

Katie adds, “He smells like the air freshener in the Uber.”

The Third Drink:

Things start to get filthy when the third round arrives. 

Back in our single days, we might have discussed the penis size of the guys we’d been dating. But now, with so many of us sleeping with the same men for decades, penile size is old news. If we weren’t happy with it, you’d know by now.

But that doesn’t mean your penis is off the table, so to speak. (You’re welcome for that mental image.)

Katie announces to the group that her husband, now 56, is still full of sexual energy, but he prefers her on top. And always in the bedroom.

“I don’t need anything crazy, like doing it in elevators or public restrooms,” she tells us. “But would it kill you to seduce me on the couch or the kitchen? And just crawl on top of me for once. I need a break too!”

It also doesn’t help that her hubbie just “went gray downtown,” adding, “It feels like it happened overnight.”

“Same with my guy,” Liz says. “One minute, it’s the pubes I remember. And the next, it’s like I’m sleeping with Santa Claus.”

“I’d be fine with that,” Susan offered, “if my husband just trimmed his bush.”

“Oh gawd, that’s the worst,” Liz agreed. “I offered to give my guy a pube haircut, thinking that could be sexy, but he said he didn’t want scissors near his junk.”

We talked on into the night, and as the drinks flowed, so did the mortifying secrets. But you know what? Nobody left grumbling about their husbands or vowing to make big changes to their marriage.

This isn’t therapy. Women talk about their partners with the same urgency that they discuss the latest episode of The Real Housewives of New York City. It’s less “This is concerning” and more “Oh my gawd, can you believe this?!”

Are there things we’d change about you? Sure. But the stuff that matters doesn’t come up over drinks with the girls. A strong marriage is held together by more than just age-appropriate clothing and a carpet that matches the drapes.